by Maghalie Rochette
It's been a while since I wrote one of these. Two weeks ago after the double Gullegem and Zonhoven racing weekend, I didn't send a Newsletter for the first time in 5 years. I didn't forget about it, I just had nothing to say. Or maybe more accurately, I didn't want to say anything, because when you write a story, you are also telling yourself a story...and I was so despondent** that there was no twist of positivity to share, and I didn't want to search for one and tell myself a story. I needed to address, on my own, what was going on.
** I've been using an app to learn new vocabulary since the new year, so I will try to use some of them!
I will spare you the details, but I did end up addressing it. There were many tears and hard conversations, followed by a lot of work on myself and help from David. But eventually, very gingerly, and with taking small steps every day, the mojo started coming back.
Now for the race.
My one and only goal for the World Cup in Benidorm was to be engaged in the race. Simple! It did not involve anything or anyone other than myself. But it was still an important goal. If you've ever raced, maybe you've experienced not being engaged in the race. It's not fun. That was my experience at Zonhoven. You are in the race, but somehow you are stuck in your head. You see things around you but are not truly registering any of it. You suffer WAY more than normal, but you're not moving and your power is WAY lower than normal. In Zonhoven, I tried all the tricks and strategies I've learned over the years to get back into the actual race, but I was never able to conquer myself and ended up painfully riding around the course an not being present. This has happened to me many times before and I've always judged myself very hard for it. For the first time after Zonhoven, I was able to feel compassion towards myself...and I think it helped me. In one of the conversations I had with David, he shared that he was sad for me, because I do all the hard parts (the training, the recovery, the going to bed early, the skipping many social gatherings, the spending months and months and months away from home, spending thousands of dollars on this pursuit, etc etc.) but I deprive myself from the fun part. I don't allow myself to just race...the only reason why I actually do all the hard things. I also felt very sad about it. Because obviously, although I don't want to make myself sound like a victim, I certainly don't sabotage myself in the races on purpose. I'm the one doing it and controlling it, but I try so hard to find ways around it, or to not do it, and sometimes I just fail. As someone who always tries to do more, maybe I need to try less and relax a little.
Anyway, when I pre-rode the course on Saturday in Benidorm, I marked many small sections and gave myself some cues. Therefore, at least once every minute I had a cue reminding me to stay engaged. "Let go of the brakes on this turn" "Pedal through this off-camber" "Look at the exit of this turn, breathe", etc. I know that when I am present and don't allow my mind to drift or think, I can get into a good groove and just execute. This was the goal. To help me towards that goal, I also had in mind another new word I learned: equanimity. Keep a levelled head, no matter the chaos.
The result don't always tell the story...
The start in Benidorm is fast and furious. About 30 seconds into the race, on a downhill section on the pavement, Denise Betsema crashed directly in front of me. In a split second, I had a choice: veer left to not hit her, but risk being hit by the pack of the other 50 women coming at 60km/h, veer right and hit the metal fence, or try to brake before riding over Denise. I braked and stopped just in time before hitting her. I surprised myself with how calm I stayed. I got off the bike, looked back, waited to make sure I wouldn't cause another crash, and got back on the bike. I was almost last. My mind just said : "Well, okay. You can still nail your goal. Stay engaged, and try to catch as many as you can!".
And off I went. I was hitting every sections as fast as I could, relaxing when I could so I could hit hard and pass people in the few sections that allowed for it. According to the time splits, I went from 48th, to 31st, to 26th, to 23rd, to 18th, to 14th, and I ended up finishing 15th...2 seconds behind the 13-14th riders!
I had so much fun!
In the end, I didn't even care about my result. Top 15 is pretty good but nothing to write home about, but in this case, I was just so proud and happy. I stayed engaged, pushed hard, and just really enjoyed the race. What a relief! It felt like a victory.
...and it's not always about the results
Now, we have 2 weeks until the end of the season. We race the last World Cup next week, and then, the World Championships in two weeks. I'm happy I was able to create momentum yesterday and will use this positivity to keep building towards the World Championships.
But I'm not going to create any crazy goals or expectations. I'll just do the work everyday, and practice being present and engaged...that will bring the best of me, and honestly that's all I want!
One more short story
I've really struggled the last few months, but in a weird way, I am grateful for it. Over the years, through racing, I've really had to learn about myself and often it's been painful, but it really is teaching me a lot and allowing me to grow. It's a privilege.
I've realized lately that one of the things I've been struggling with is self-validation. Being a perfectionist and hard worker, I always want more. There is a good part to that, but it also means that in my own eyes, I am never enough. I am always seeking validation. "Maybe if I win one more World Cup I'll be enough" is something I've thought about many times.
Then this week, as I was starting to process this realization, I received a text from a good friend. She said: "I’ve been cheering for you on the TV, you’re my absolute favorite bike racer of all time. Good luck this weekend my friend.
That was so kind and it got me thinking. What kind of bike racer do I want to be? If I look at myself from the outside, can I be proud?
Lately, the answer was “I’m not sure”.
But I'm finding clarity again. Personally, when I watch sports, I’ll make up my opinion on the other athletes not by their result, but by the effort they put out, the way they play, the way they act, and their personality. To me, that's what makes a great athlete. I never even look at the stats or anything like that.
I realized I had many things to be proud of myself for, and I did not need to seek validation from a result, or from anyone else.
Being proud of myself is still a work in progress, but I'm actually working hard on it. And this weekend, I am proud of the athlete I was. I went back to my happy self who interacts with my competitors and makes time for the fans. I put out a hard effort and am proud of how I raced and the attitude I had before, during, and after the race. I decided that this is enough...even if 14 women were faster than me :)
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