I’ve been very active in stories, but not very open in sharing about myself. What is happening in my life, why all the changes, why I’m not racing, why when I do race things aren’t going so well... My honest answer is : because I don’t even know myself what is going on, what I am doing.
And the truth is stress.
Too Many Things for what I can handle.
Luxembourg was a very big disappointment and a choc to my expectations. I haven’t felt happy in my race environment over the last months, Thanks god for my coach, my family and friend who kept motivating me and encouraging me and who told me that my hard work would pay and that staying true to myself and my believes was the best I could do. But in reality this hasn’t been easy. Going from well structured racing environments to a much smaller structure was a huge drop and changes that I still struggle to adapt to. The change in mindset going into races, the lack of goals from the team and other things are a lot of adaptations that got me very confused and I’ve lost my confidence.
In professional sport, we all strive for success, I was lucky to always been in teams that were successful, even if I didn’t get the results myself I always took a lot of happiness and satisfaction from training and working for teammates that where better than me at putting out insane winning worthy performances, and my contribution to those was more than enough motivation for me to keep going. And now, I realize I miss it... And sport has developed so much I'm struggling to do it all by myself. In a way I feel proud of how far women cycling has come, but on the other hand I wish I could go back a little bit and change a few decisions I’ve made. I have no excuse for not having the level last week, I was mentally drained from stress and sadness before I even started my race. I also have been struggling a lot with breathing issues (that I always had, but turns out stress and anxiety is one the the things that trigger this condition, and so although my level is super high in training when I'm calm and in the flow. During the races this just doesn’t translate).
I AM BURNED OUT.
And this is very bold to state here, and maybe some people will make jugements and take me out of rosters from reading this, and if they do they are full of crap.
First Social Media ain't a representataion of real life. For many maybe I seem very happy and content in life. One of the major reason why I'm so fed up with everything is the lack of HONEST COMMUNICATION in many parts of my life. The constant search for information just about anything has drained any bits of energy I had.
I'm not blaiming my BO in my team obsiously this would be too easy and mental health is a lot more complex. I am speaking out for those whom also have the feeling that COVID has destroyed their peaceful life.
Struggling with immigation, work, getting races, having my contract respected, seeing my friends and family, being able to live in my house, moving 3-4 times in 4 different countries in the course of 2 years, changing teams, having to learn new languages, finishing university, finding jobs, being self employed, being a girl, being a pro cyclist, being a female pro cyclist, trying to be kind, trying to be liked, trying to LIKE ME... It's So much ! SO SO much...
And I felt I had to say these things because I know I'm Not alone. Around me, so many are struggling and they don't deserve. YOU DON'T DESERVE to be put aside because you feel this way. You are doing your best and you have insane amount of value ! Be kind to yourself, ans trust in you even if others don't. The problem doesn't lie in you not being good enough or not having the level. Just like I do have the level ! I know and it's just a matter of time before I get my mind straight and I show to myself I am as good as I know I am.
Gabrielle Pilote, 5 mai
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