Scott Martin

I'm a victim of elder abuse.

It happens every time I ride with younger, stronger cyclists. (I'm also a victim of, uh, younger abuse, but that's another story.)

Do you suffer from this silent scourge ? There's one way to find out. Fortunately, I work for a company that publishes pamphlets on a wide range of critical health topics, including Body Hair Removal, the ever-popular Irritable Bowel Syndrome and, yes, Elder Abuse.

"Is someone hurting you ?" begins the Elder Abuse pamphlet. "Yes," I reply, "the 22-year-old with 3% body fat and no job whose chain gets stuck on the 13 cog whenever he takes a pull."

Clearly, this pamphlet is onto something. Let's read on :

Pamphlet : There are many ways someone can hurt you.

Let me count them -- hills, crosswinds, attacks, refusing to stop for nature breaks every 30 minutes.

Pamphlet : Does someone you know control what you do, who you see, or where you go ?

Check -- I have to ride in the back, in the gutter or in the wind. I'm not able to see anybody but the butts of the slowest riders. I'm forced to go on the same route Saturday after Saturday.

Pamphlet : Does someone you know treat you like a child and make major decisions for you ?

Yup -- "We're leaving now... Better eat while you can... No, we're not stopping to pee again."

Pamphlet : Does someone you know make fun of you, insult you or call you names ?

All the time -- "Are you ever going to take a pull ?... Can't you boot your tire with your AARP card ?... Nice shift, Methuselah, did they even have derailleurs when you started riding ?"

Pamphlet : Does someone you know break or destroy your things ?

Yes -- if by "things" you mean legs or spirit.

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