Scott Martin

While at my hometown's annual criterium last weekend, I realized that bike racing is not only confusing to do, it's also confusing for most people to watch. So here are some pointers the next time you're at the races :

Helpful things to shout :
• "Your teammate is bridging up to you."
• "Four riders have a 15-second lead, but two of them aren't pulling."
• "Take turn 1 wide. I sprinkled carpet tacks on the inside." (Best said sotto voce.)

Unhelpful things to shout :
• "Go faster!"
• "You're getting dropped."
• "Boy, do you stink."

How to answer when bystanders ask why you're not racing :
• "I put the 'cry' in criterium."
• "I get dizzy riding around in circles."
• "I prefer it when my skin is attached to my body."

What to yell at French riders :
• "Allez, allez !"

What to yell at Italian riders :
• "Forza, forza !"

What to yell at Spanish riders :
• "Venga, venga !"

What to yell at American riders :
• "Get outta the f *****g road, you spandex weirdoes. I'm late for work."

Know your victory salutes :
• Two arms upraised : Classic, says it all.
• One arm upraised : See above, only too tired to raise other arm.
• Rocking imaginary baby : I dedicate this win to my newborn daughter/son.
• Pointing index finger skyward : I dedicate this win to my deceased teammate/coach/bike washer.
• Pumping a clenched fist : Take that, you disbelieving team manager/cycling journalist/boy- or girlfriend who dumped me.
• Firing invisible pistol : I'm the baddest hombre in town.
• Shooting invisible bow and arrow : I'm the baddest indigenous person on the prairie.
• No salute : I hope there isn't any drug testing.

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