Scott Martin

Climber or sprinter? Racer or tourist? Shaved or hairy?

Meaningless distinctions, all. Truth is, there are only 2 kinds of roadies: those whose bikes are spotless, and those whose bikes are filthy.

Now, it's a well-known fact that a clean bike is faster than a dirty one. Proof? The May 1999 issue of the North Dakota Journal of Aerodynamics contains the definitive study, sponsored by Lemon Pledge and the Chain Degreaser Manufacturers Association of America.

But you don't need a fancy thesis for confirmation. Just look down on your next ride.

If you see your reflection in the gleaming top tube, your speed instantly jumps 2-3 mph. But if you spy dried spittle and mud from last month's rain ride, your pace plummets to Sun City Tricyclist levels.

What do you think separates us from Lance & Co.? Yup: a team of bustling mechanics who keep the bikes spic-and-span. (Well, that and a pulse that's lower at 30 mph than mine is while watching C-Span2.)

On the other hand, it's also widely recognized that people who ride dirty bikes have a lactate threshold 10-20 heart beats higher than that of their fastidious counterparts. Why? They're riding instead of sitting at home threading a rag through their chainring bolts.

Admit it: You're intimidated pedaling next to someone with a chain that looks like it's been lubed with hot fudge and a down tube that's sprouting energy-drink stalactites.

"This person," you think, "hasn't gotten off that bike since the Red Sox -- sorry, the Cubs -- won the World Series."

So, pick your poison: faster bike or faster body.

Me? I probably should go now and wax my spokes. Or not.

(Scott Martin is currently "living a dream" by riding in Italy with ex-pro Andy Hampsten, so this column is recycled from his eBook, Spin Again, which contains 181 of his witty, sometimes wacky, and occasionally heart-felt observations on road cycling. Click here to enjoy 3 classic Spins again and place your order for instant delivery by download.)

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