Scott Martin

What's your carbon footprint ? And I don't mean your cycling-shoe size.

No, I'm talking about the color of the moment : green.

"Puh-leeze," you say, "I ride a bike. I'm greener than a hung-over Carnival Cruise passenger in a hurricane."

Is that so ? Then you won't mind taking this climate-change quiz designed just for cyclists :

I commute by bike...
(a) every day
(b) couple times a week, if it's not raining and the alarm goes off
(c) I no longer commute since getting fired for making fun of the boss's Prius

My frame is made of...
(a) steel, aluminum, carbon or titanium
(b) bamboo, hemp or old Clorox bottles
(c) spent nuclear fuel rods, covered in baby seal fur

I only eat energy bars made from...
(a) endangered white-rhino meat
(b) locally grown, fair-trade, organic ingredients
(c) ethanol waste products

I clean my chain with...
(a) jet fuel
(b) citrus-based degreaser
(c) nothing, thus allowing it to exist freely in its natural state

After cleaning my chain, I...
(a) hose the drippings into the nearest storm drain, which empties into the local orphanage's playground
(b) take the gunk-filled degreaser to the recycling center
(c) like I said, I don't clean it, you fascist chain murderer you

When my water bottle gets moldy, I...
(a) chuck it in a roadside ditch
(b) cut off the top and recycle it as a planter
(c) use it to plug the exhaust pipe of Hummers

If I can't ride my bike someplace, I...
(a) drive my SUV there as fast as possible, with my tires under-inflated and the AC blasting out my open windows
(b) walk, car-pool or take bio-diesel-powered public transportation
(c) ride the indoor trainer while watching my Al Gore videos

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