Scott Martin

Every year my cycling team asks us riders to help secure sponsorship for the coming season. We're just looking for a few bucks to defray the cost of our kit, although we wouldn't turn down a team jet -- or even a team Yugo.

Off we go to our employers and other local businesses, trying to convince them to fork over some coin for the privilege of putting their logo on a jersey that's never going to appear on ESPN -- or even the naked-guy talk show on local cable.

If the corner coffee shop comes through, we celebrate. Heck, until recently we didn't realize our jerseys displayed the brand of a company that hadn't coughed up a nickel in years. When we finally caught the error we decided to retain the logo because the owner is "a nice guy."

Still, I can't help feeling that we're missing opportunities. Especially considering that as a predominantly masters team, we represent the coveted baby-boomer demographic.

This became clear last week when I conducted exhaustive market research, otherwise known as staying home sick and watching lots of bad daytime TV commercials.

Every other ad touted age-defying, death-cheating products, which would certainly fly off the shelves if associated with the age-defying, death-cheating members of a masters cycling team.

First, we bring on an eat-crap-and-don't-exercise cholesterol drug like Zetia.

Second, we start a bidding war between Lipozene and Hydroxycut to see who gets the miracle-weight-loss sponsorship.

Finally, there's the huge market indicated by the amount of spam for products that benefit one's "love stick." Viagra's already into NASCAR, so I'm thinking Cialis, whose claimed 36 hours of effectiveness would mesh perfectly with cyclists' renowned endurance capabilities.

I'll leave the Team Cialis motto to your imagination.

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