Scott Martin

When the Amgen Tour of California stage race roared through my neck of the woods last week, many of my co-workers looked to me for the inside scoop.

As my company's token cyclist, I assumed the role of bike-racing expert, ready to answer any question no matter how, um, interesting.

In case you find yourself in a similar situation, I've compiled a list of racing FAQs. Feel free to use it during your next water-cooler conversation.

Q: So how come you're not racing in this Tour of Whatchacallit, Mr. Big Shot Biker ?

A: Actually, I am racing. So I need extra-long lunch hours this week. Don't schedule me for any meetings between 10 and 3, OK ?

Q: The racers' bikes look pretty fancy. How much do they cost ?

A: Anywhere from $5,000 to $20,000 or more.

Q: No, really, how much ?

A: About $199 apiece. Less, if there's a sale at Wal-Mart.

Q: How's Lance doing ?

A: Great. He's drinking a beer in Austin after going for a run. Because he retired three years ago, you idiot.

Q: Do the racers ride at night ?

A: Yes, because it's almost impossible to find a Motel 6 that will rent rooms to cyclists, who are notorious for cleaning their chains with bath towels.

Q: Why do they ride so close together ?

A: For protection against drivers like you who use a hands-free phone so they can drink coffee while selecting a CD and swearing at the on-board navigation system.

Q: Are all the racers on drugs ?

A: Yes. No. Maybe. I hope not.

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