Scott Martin

My employer is switching health-insurance carriers -- our new deductible is now roughly the size of the U.S. federal deficit -- so I've been going online to view lists of approved doctors.

Along the way, I keep coming across that staple of medical websites: the health assessment quiz. To determine your health risks and estimated lifespan, you answer multiple-choice questions like: Do you eat fast-food meals 7, 14 or 21 times a week ? And : Do you exercise 1, 2 or -- gasp! -- 3 hours per week ?

Clearly, roadies need a cycling-appropriate version of this test :

(1) Do you always wear a helmet ?
a. Yes
b. No, I am a moron

(2) Do you obey all traffic laws ?
a. Yes, always

(3) No, really, do you obey all traffic laws ?
a. Pretty much
b. Yes, unless I'm in the break
c. Death to automobiles and the scum who operate them !

(4) Do you keep your bike tuned up for safety and reliability ?
a. Yes, I take it to my local bike shop for regular maintenance
b. Yes, I am a competent mechanic and work on it myself
c. Yes, I work on it myself, but only the easy stuff like the gear-changer thingies
d. Bikes need tune-ups ?

(5) Do you ride defensively ?
a. Yes
b. Only if there's a cop nearby and I'm not running late
c. @#$% you !

(6) Do you carry a cell phone for emergencies ?
a. Yes, always
b. Only when I'm expecting to have an emergency
c. Hang on just a sec. "So I says, Morty, I says..."

(7) Complete the following statement : I ride...
a. regularly
b. too much, according to my "supportive" spouse
c. so I don't have to fear health assessments

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