Scott Martin

I'm riding with two buddies, Jim and Larry. We're part way up a long climb and Jim is setting a fierce pace. Larry and I are groveling; we'll be dropped quicker than you can say, "Darn right I want fries with that."

Oh-so-casually, Larry declares: "Only three miles to the top."

"What?" says Jim, who hasn't been on this road in years. "I thought this was the top." Immediately his speed drops by 4 mph.

Larry, bless him, has just demonstrated the first law of competitive cycling: If you can't be good, be sneaky.

Yes, to paraphrase Yogi Berra, 50% of cycling is 90% mental. There's nothing like a strategically placed comment to throw your hated opponents -- I mean, beloved riding partners -- off their game.

But you have to move beyond the "your Momma's so ugly she gets her nails done by the vet" trash talk that passes for wit in most sports. Why? Because (a) cyclists are too smart to fall for that, and (b) cyclists care way more about, oh, their bottom brackets than they do about their mothers.

Here, then, is some talk to talk when you can't walk the walk :

You : "It's great you've gotten so many miles out of that carbon handlebar."

Your ride partner : "Do you think my handlebar's defective? Was that a creak? Maybe I shouldn't pull up so hard. Oh God, don't let me crash."

You : "It's all downhill."

Your ride partner : "Phew, I'm exhausted. What? Another hill? I thought you said..."

You : "That looks like a really warm jersey."

Your ride partner : "Maybe I'm over-dressed. I'm really sweating. I am over-dressed. I hope I don't get heat stroke."

You : "You know..."

Your ride partner : "Shut up!"

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