Scott Martin

I finally hocked my decrepit, boat-anchor road bike last week, then marched out and bought one of those new lightweight rigs. I was sorry to see the old gal go, but you gotta keep up with the times.

Plus, I got $150 for her. Not bad for a two-year-old, 16-pound carbon bike.

In her place : my new wonderbike weighing 11 pounds, including pedals, bottle cages and titanium tire levers. I can't wait to see how I look in polka dots.

There's just one small problem. To pay for my new $25,000 bike, I had to sell a few organs on eBay, and I don't mean Wurlitzers. No matter -- having two kidneys is overrated, and I'm fairly sure you can pedal a bicycle without a spleen. Besides, now I'm lighter too.

Which is good because my new machine is not recommended for anyone weighing more than 130 pounds. If I unload a couple more organs, I'll be in the ballpark. Appendix, anyone ?

Actually, there's another slight difficulty. According to a sticker on the down tube, "Riding this bicycle in wind greater than 5 mph voids the warranty and can result in loss of control and/or limbs." Why did I have to move to Chicago ? Then again, the warranty's only valid for three months. ("Does not cover sprinting, riding on bumpy roads or leaning against things.")

Okay, so there's one final issue. Apparently my new bike violates the UCI's weight limit of just under 15 pounds. In other words, no Tour de France for me next year. Great -- I finally get a bike that gives me a shot at the yellow jersey, and I'm ineligible.

If I still had a spleen, I'd vent it.

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