Scott Martin

Long commutes cause obesity, neck pain, loneliness, divorce, stress and insomnia, according to a recent Slate.com article titled, “Your Commute is Killing You.”

The piece cited several studies showing the harm done by commuting, including recently released findings by Swedish researchers that couples in which one partner commutes for longer than 45 minutes are 40% likelier to divorce.

The story made no mention of bicycle commuting, but bike-to-work veterans know their much healthier mode of transit still poses certain medical risks, such as:

Middle finger hyperextension. This natural reaction to being cut off by a texting, hair-combing, latte-swilling motorist afflicts 33% of bike commuters -- who respond with an adrenaline-fueled, over-vigorous salute, according to researchers at Italy’s prestigious University of Pinarello.

Bike-parking panic attacks. Brought on by the anxiety of having to store your expensive bicycle in: a) an unlocked janitor’s closet, b) a parking lot guarded by Elmer, the security guard with a taste for liquid lunches, or c) your office cubicle where your boss gets chain marks on her Gucci suit while discussing your upcoming performance evaluation.

Extensive facial wrinkles. Fortunately treatable with a facelift or Botox, these deeply etched lines result from the smug smile bike commuters wear as they glide past rows of traffic-jammed cars piloted by over-stressed, under-exercised drivers. And the greener-than-thou wrinkles only deepen as the cyclist considers what to do with the extra cash not going toward $4-a-gallon gas. Warning: Inability to hide such expressions can also lead to punch in nose by co-worker, necessitating further nip-tuck.

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