Scott Martin

You've probably heard that cigarette packs in the U.S. may soon carry larger warning labels with graphic images of corpses and diseased lungs as part of a stronger campaign to cut tobacco use.

What you may not know is that the feds are also considering adding scary warning labels to products used in a wide range of highly addictive activities, such as cycling. RBR recently got an exclusive look at some of the proposed labels. (We'll leave the graphic images to your imagination). Here's a sampling :

Lycra Shorts
Warning: Use of this product will make you look fat, no matter what your fitness level. Use of this product will make people laugh at you, no matter how much they care for you. Use of this product will mark you as a geek, no matter how cool you may be underneath. Speaking of underneath: Not to be combined with underwear. Or knee socks.

Superlight Carbon Parts
Warning: This product will enable you to go 3.7 milliseconds faster. This product will increase your status among other cyclists by a factor of 5 while decreasing your credit rating by a factor of 2. This product will fail catastrophically right after your employer drops facial reconstruction from your health insurance plan.

Quick-Release Skewers
Warning: This product holds the wheel on your bike. If you don't use it as instructed, your wheel will fall off. This is not recommended. Proper use of said product does not include screwing the QR lever down really tight instead of flipping it closed as was intended, you moron.

Saddles
Warning: This product will hurt. Maybe not right away, but soon. The only way for this product to stop hurting is to remove yourself from this product.

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