Scott Martin

I love reading advice columns, because they make me feel so smug for avoiding the disastrous life decisions and horrible in-laws found in the land of Dear Abby, Ann Landers, et al.

So why aren't there cycling advice columns? Cycling, like life, can be confusing, unfair and ridiculous. Our sport needs an advice columnist.

I have a column. And I like to give advice. So let's do this thing. I can't be any worse than one famous sob sister who, when asked why cyclists shave their legs, wrote, "So their leg hair won't get caught in the chain."

Dear Scott,
My riding partner says you should always wear sunscreen so you don't get skin cancer. But then I read that if you wear sunscreen all the time, you may not get enough vitamin D and you'll get weak bones. What should I do? -- Sunstruck

Dear Sunny,
Apply sunscreen in alternating horizontal bands on your exposed arms and legs. (Or, for a slimming effect, try vertical stripes.) Don't forget to switch areas of protected and unprotected skin every couple of rides or you will resemble a barber pole by July.

Dear Scott,
I've met the man of my dreams. But we are from 2 different worlds and I'm starting to wonder if mixed marriage is a good idea. I love cycling and he thinks Eddy Merckx is a German new-wave film director. Help! -- In a Spin

Dear Ina,
Wake up and smell the coffee-flavored gel, honey. For dinner you will want quinoa on a bed of organic kale while he will want pork chops. On weekends you will want to ride 5 hours while he will want to do whatever it is that people who don't ride do. Sprint away from this doomed union ASAP.

And that, dear peeps, puts the lipstick on this week.

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